Gettin' Real

I warned you all that it’s my babbling season!  That time of year when I throw up all over you guys!  In my defense my jibber-jabber is therapy!  Especially on days like today. Most of you know that October 19 is my day to let it all out.  It’s a condition I have called “write-orrhea”…it happens about twice a year when months of anguish finds it’s way to my fingers and land on a piece of paper.  Write-orrhea is otherwise known as diarreah of the mouth! At times I may have no filter, I may be dripping with sarcasm and I may just be down-right pathetic! One thing I am is “real” …

So, lets get real…today sucks! 8 years ago today I left Phoenix Childrens Hospital without my baby boy.  It is impossible to endure this day every year and not think about walking out of those hospital doors without him.  Wanna talk excruciating pain and anguish?  Let’s talk…

Sometimes I reflect and think about that day although much of it is still a blur…

I do remember holding him during his last moments of life

I do remember reading him bible stories

I do remember gazing at my husband and thinking “what the heck is happening?”

I do remember the 80+ friends and family that packed the waiting room

I do remember a God-given ICU director that laid hands on my lifeless son and prayed for him

I do remember a best friend that never left my side for 3pain-staking days.

I remember my father and the helplessness in his eyes as he watched his only daughter over-whelmed with despair.

I remember knowing that my father would take on my pain if he could have.

I remember the look of confusion on my 6 year olds (Austin) face as he tried to make sense of what was happening

I remember my mother-in-law by my side

I remember running my fingers through his hair for the final time….

I remember the promise I made to him.  I promised him that I would be reunited with him someday.  I promised him that I would live a life pleasing to God and that I would love my Lord with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength.  I promised him that his death would serve a purpose.  I promised him that the journey I was about to travel would have a purpose.  On my journey I would thrive and find a love to help others through our tragedy. On my journey I would discover a faith that was real.  On my journey I would ALWAYS glorify God even on days when I felt like throwing God under the bus and question His strategy.  I’m so glad God has patience with me.  He is so gracious to let me have my tantrums, pitty-parties and doubt His willingness to intervene on my behalf.  I must admit, on this journey I do sometimes get off track and I’ve had some less-than-stellar moments (not proud of)…We’ll save that for another “write-orrhea”!  Where would I be on this journey with out my G.P.S. (God Positioning System) to get me back on track?  Those of you that sadly know me, know that I suffer from A.D.D. at times. (just a lil)…I am easily distracted.  And boy does Satan love that about me! He sees an opportunity to have a hay day with me when I get off track.  But my G.P.S. system (also known as the Holy Spirit) sends a message to my puny brain that says “Please make a legal U-turn and return to the designated route”…Thank goodness for my internal G.P.S.! Who knows what country I’d be in right now!  Back to getting’ real.  Is this journey I’m on easy?  Not. Quite!  I get off track but God knows I will eventually come back around.  Bottom line is my ups and downs and on-tracks/off-tracks define my spiritual life. I have ups…I have downs…I grow…I change. 

5 years ago when we moved into our new home we planted a tree in the front yard in remembrance of Baby Slade.  It was a nice, young maple tree at the time.  We call it “Baby Slades tree”.  I’ve watched the tree grow new leaves every year and then drop them every fall.  I’ve watched the leaves transform from the green of summers bliss to a beautiful red full of autumns blessings.  I love watching his tree transform each year.  The tree has also grown about 5 feet since its planting.  I’m reminded each year how God is continually working in my life as I grow and change just like Baby Slades tree.  When the tree is baren with the coldness of winter, I wait with anticipation of the new buds soon to emerge as spring approaches.  

Likewise, I am always waiting to see what God has in store for me.  When I have my moments of weakness and self-doubt I can feel God’s gentle tug and His voice. It goes something like this…

God:  Tug…

God:  Tug…Tug..

Me:  Huh? Ya, Is that you, God?

God:  Yes, my child…It is I

Me:  Yes, Lord? Did I screw up again, God? I’m sorry, Lord, your grace is not an excuse for me to live a sloppy life. Please forgive me, Lord...

God:  Beck, Focus.  Focus on the task I have given you.

Me:  Ok, God..Thank you, Lord for loving me despite all my flaws and shortcomings. You love me even though I get distracted and off track. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for paying for my crummy life with your precious life.

God: You are forgiven. Now, I have important things for you to do. Stay focused my darling.

Me:  Ok, God.  I got this!

I am SO glad God’s mercies are new to me every morning! I can trust that when I am willing to change and allow God to do His work that He can turn even something as miserable as death into something glorious.  This has been a year of moving forward for me…a year of letting go! (seems like I say that every year…hmmm…gonna have to work on that).Seems like I find new stuff (actually it’s old stuff) to let go of every year.  During one of my “Stop and Listen to God Moments” God spoke to me about moving forward with His plan for me.  There were a few conditions though that involved letting go of some safety ropes that I’ve held on to all these years. I felt another nudge…another whisper…

God:   Nudge…pssst…

Me:   Huh?

God:  ”Trust me.  Let’s move forward together.  I will lead.  You follow. Seek me and follow”… (pause)…”but you must let go of the safety ropes and trust me.

Me:  “You talkin’ to me? What? What safety ropes? What are you talking about God?”

I spent a few days pondering what safety ropes God was referring to.  So, I began another one of my infamous “lists”…

1.   Fear of rejection

2.   Fear of abandonment

3.   Control

4.   Approval of others

5.   People liking me

6.   Comfort

7.   My way…my plan

Ugghh! Gag! Seriously, God! You want me to let go of these things? My knees were shaking just thinking about it!

God whispered " You are stuck right where you are if you don’t’let go.  WE can not move forward.  I have so much more in store for you, Beck! These things are like ankle weights and keep you from moving forward.  Let ‘em go!  “  

and then I heard

“I will catch you when you fall, let ‘em go! Let go. I’ve got you.  Do you trust me?”

So, here we are today.  One of the hardest days of the year for me.  I am still working working on letting them go. One by one they are falling off my list. I must confess I am not proud of the way I responded to God.  I sounded like a bratty teenager.  I warned you I was gonna be real. I even at one point recall saying to myself “Fine, God! Have your stinkin’ ropes!”  …(not proud.)

Truth is God does have more for me.  He has a purpose. He has plan.  I know, sounds like such a Sunday School answer but guess what?  It’s the truth!

So, all this to say, that I pray that my story gives HOPE to others walking their own difficult path.  That God is faithful.  He really can redeem a terrible situation and make it good!

So, this lil light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine! FOR YOU BABY SLADE!

xoxo,

Mom